Often times I've felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. We each have our own personalities and demeanor that make us very different from the person next to us. I believe these this unique and individual differences naturally shapes our own specific point of view and perspective on things, on our lives.So why do some of us seem to be able to fit or squeeze into that round hole better than others? I wish I knew the answer of that question, I really do.
I often feel I don't fit in well. Not just because of my excessive stature, but just my place in life. I long for forward thinking, for trying what seems scary, for change not for the sake of change,but for calculated risks in the name of progress. However, more often than not people just like things they way they are. That's not necessarily a bad thing, a lot of things just work the way they are. But many things are needing to be in a constant state of improvement to maintain relevance. The design and creative world is ever changing, and I think the fact that it's never done, over, or completed is a huge portion of why I love it. It's ongoing, it's a lifestyle. I love to live in the ever-changing waters of progress and innovation, and it's hard to explain that mindset to someone who is content with 'what is' let alone try to introduce them to that world (often kicking and screaming).
So where is the balance? Where is there space for 'the repetitive same' and a state of constant innovation? I think this is where I find myself in a constant state of quandary. Half my job is to come up with "solutions" and the other half of my job is to never allow for a boring mundane routine. The constant tension to be managed is wading through which principle applies to which project, and discovering what is most important given all the variables.
I don't have the answers, but I think I'm learning what questions to ask. Sometimes being the one who wants to sojourn ahead means you're out there alone while everyone else waits to see if you succeed or fail, but is living a life only trying to avoid failure really a life at all? Experiments, risk, and exploration of this incredible world God has given to us is the essence of who we are. We are here to explore what God has shown us, to ultimately discover His incredible creativity that he allows us to experience which ultimately brings Him the highest glory.
I don't mind being the scapegoat, or the one who gets hung out to dry once failure has reared it's ugly head. I'm not saying it's easy, but if I can give someone the gift of going second and teach them what I've been able to learn along the way, I'm in. I guess that's where the feeling of not fitting in comes in. I don't know how to help people see the vision that I see, and communicate the value that I can see in the future, I'm willing to carry the torch ahead, but it's tough when you feel like no one cares to acknowledge the fact that they could benefit from your desire for progress. In some cases I've had some become annoyed, mad, and have told me to just be quiet and content with what is.
I know God has a place and role for me, and I think finding what that place is may depend on me first acknowledging where my role isn't. Scaling back, simplifying, and focusing on what I can truly contribute to in an effective way for His glory an not my own and not try to contribute to too much. Boundaries.
Maybe then I'll find my true place, but I trust God for where I am now and continually learning what He has for me as I take each step.