Writing More Requires Trusting More

I often have to convince myself to come up with something profound before I begin the writing process for this blog. I jot down a thought in Evernote, or put a line or two in a stickie note. Often I'll find myself adding something to my Instapaper that I'd like to read and then write about more but eventually come to the conclusion that "they wrote it better, so I won't bother".

What a waste of learning opportunity. I often limit myself to writing for the purpose (or hope) that someone else will read it, but in doing so I subject myself to the fear of "well then it better be worth reading". And due to the fact that everything I don't write isn't worth reading (or capable of being read), then in a sense I am a defeatist. I realize that whatever I write will inevitably be a failure, even before I write it. Lame.

So honestly, who cares if anyone reads what I write. Sure there may be times when something I write has some sort of knowledge bestowment or insight in it, but most of the time what I (would) write would just simply be me sorting through my own thoughts of something, or helping me think linearly through the process of forming an opinion or viewpoint. All this to say, I go through hills and valleys of writing consistency, but it's always been under this raincloud of fear and inadequacy.

I too realize that I have had a slight fear of expressing my inner thoughts. I don't have cower in a corner or act awkward in social situations, rather I'll just find lots of ways to talk about what you're doing rather than what's happening in me. It seems this stems from people close to me who I would have assumed I could trust, and yet have been burned by. Things that, in and of themselves weren't necessarily secrets or bad things that needed to stay hidden, but just "here's the reality of what's happening within me". Not long after, someone who barely knows me but knows the person I've confided in is candidly bringing up "said thing" in conversation. Burned. Or I'll discover that someone like my fifth grade teacher knows things they would have no way of knowing unless a certain person would have opened their big mouth about what we had talked about in confidence. Burned. So because of those things, my default has been "don't share anything, because even if it's harmless, they'll find a twisted way to use it against you". For years I let no one in, no one. I had been burned too much to let myself repeat the mistake of trusting again.

Yet here I am, writing this out against my every inner thought that says "well someone will find a way to use this against you now that it's on the internet". Yet, I also know in me that I have the desire to trust again. I have become a part of a community of people many of whom I can trust, and do confide in now. Even my Mia's trust and confidence is irreplaceable and I am so thankful for because it allows me to be the real me with her, and not who I think she would want me to appear to be. Trust has been a huge missing part of life, and sadly but thankfully I am just now learning that it can exist over the last few months. There are still people I am very hesitant to trust because they've ruined my confidence way too many times, but I'll get there again I'm sure with time.

With that said, I shall be writing more, even just to think outloud, on what I am learning and for it to be somewhat of a chronicle of my life, here we go.